


Not quite as planned

by SherlockMalfoy



Series: my harry potter crackfics & unfinished tales [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, M/M, Master of Death Harry Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-21 01:37:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16149821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlockMalfoy/pseuds/SherlockMalfoy
Summary: Desperate times call for desperate measures and the remnants of the Order decides to use an ancient ritual to summon a Savior from another world to help them defeat the Dark Lord.Things didn't exactly go as planned...





	Not quite as planned

The gathered ritual participants stood in shock at their different points on the heptagram cut into the stone floor of what used to be the Great Hall of Hogwarts.

The frazzled Rune Mistress stood gaping in shock, while her mentor - the kindly old Merlin-esque former headmaster Albus Dumbledore also stood gaping, but for an entirely different reason.

There, in the center of the heptagram, was a small table with a single candle burned nearly to it's end and two men dressed in very elegant robes sat, one with his foot disappearing up the other's robes and the other doing lewd things with his fork. A single plate of dessert between them on the table.

The two men were hissing at one another before one of them gave a subtle nod towards their audience.

Red eyes rolled and the man performing near fellatio on his fork set it down on a cloth napkin with a sigh. "Kindly remove your foot, _my lord_. We're no longer in the comfort of our hotel."

The other man sighed, sitting back in his seat and lowering his bare foot from his companion's lap. "I swear..." he grumbled loudly, knowing his voice will carry. "Why do they always choose to do this on Halloween?"

"At least this time magic thought to bring me along with you, _my lord_. Perhaps to allow you to finish this quickly so that we may return to our private dinner."

The younger man of the pair made to lean forward and pick up his fork, stabbing it into the chocolate cheesecake with an angry hiss - which his companion returned.

"Hem hem."

The younger of the two hissing men drew a wand that all of the Order were familiar with for another just like it was held quietly in the ex-headmaster's hand. The spells were chained together faster than any of them except, perhaps Dumbledore and a few of the ex-aurors had seen. Their pink clad ministry insider fell to the ground, bound in chains with a silencing charm on her.

"God that felt good."

"I keep telling you, _my lord_ , if you'd just throw around a few Crucios at some minions it will go a long way to relieving your stress."

"Is that your subtle hint that I should bring out the chains tonight?"

"Well, we are celebrating our anniversary _my lord_."

A snort. Amusement in bright, Avada green eyes before the younger of the two holds up his fork with a bite of chocolate cheesecake on the end. He addressed their audience. "So the war's gone so badly you had to resort to ancient summoning rituals to find a solution." He seemed to sniff the air a moment then widened his eyes in surprise. "Oh... I didn't expect that... _My dear_ , do you smell that?"

Red eyes closed as the man drew in a deep breath, then slowly released it. "Oh... there's been a murder here. Fresh blood." He stuck out his tongue, and it was only now that any who chose to look could see it was serpentine. He tasted the air and it was as if his whole body shuddered in some perverse delight. "Creature blood."

"What kind of creature, _my dear_?"

"Werewolf. This was a Sumerian lunar cycle summoning."

The younger man cracked a smile as he rose, bare feet sliding across the stones as his expensive, elegant robes barely grazed the floor. "So who did it? Which of you had the guts to kill a werewolf, bleed it dry, and then... Oh...." He frowned as he looked around at the faces of those who dared pull them across the Void. "There is one missing I expected to see. Where is Remus Lupin?"

"Dead," came a cold, firm tone. A face scarred with burns along the side.

"And your chosen one? What happened to him?"

"Dead to us."

At this the man still seated at the table raised a brow. "And the plot thickens." He rose from his seat at the table, his beautiful visage morphing with his robes into a familiar frightening face. The two men hissed to one another before finally the shorter, more human one sighed. "Fourteen," he said in plain English.

"Why? That number doesn't make any sense."

"Doesn't it though? How old was I when you got your body back? The Tri-wizard tournament that pretty much ruined my life?"

"Hm.... you make a good case. Thirteen is the unlucky number. Unlucky Potter. However fourteen is more significant. A perverse mirror of our relationship to one another. I made seven therefore you make fourteen. The first seven in reply, the following seven in declaration."

"Perhaps," the green eyed one muses. "I can assure you that the first seven are as follows. A book. I was fond of Oliver Twist, so it will be an old muggle copy. A ring. The Potter ring is too obvious. It will likely be the ring of Lord Black due to sentimental value. Next will be an otherwise ordinary cup from the Hogwarts kitchens. The kitchens were Helga Hufflepuff's domain so it will mirror the Dark Lord's horcrux beautifully. A cherished locket, probably from a Weasley. Again, sentiment."

"The diadem and a snake as well, _my lord_. Don't forget them."

"And the Other one, too," the shorter of them said, raking a hand through his wild black hair. The movement - familiar and haunting to all watching the pair of them - was not lost to Albus Dumbledore. The scar exposed, even for just a few seconds as if to underline the green eyed man's implications. "The three most troublesome of the lot."

"I suppose you want him to go around on a scavenger hunt so you can kill your Potter then," his companion said, adding a few extra hisses to his words than necessary just to watch them squirm. "Or were you expecting him to do that for you, too?"

"Ease up a bit Thomas, you can help. After all, was it not you this morning who said we needed to do more together."

"I meant a day of something other than death and destruction, _my lord_. I may be Death but even I need a vacation from time to time."

Green eyes lit up as he smiled back at that. "Death as you well know by now doesn't take vacations. People don't die according to your schedule." A few whispers caught his attention, but he pretended to ignore it as he roamed the heptagram but never left its confines.

"Why don't we all sit down and discuss why we sought out your aid," Albus said when he had been passed.

A hand bearing a ring with a black stone, the stone emitting an unsettling aura, waved him off dismissively. "I'd like to know which one of you killed Remus first," he said as he passed by another, green eyes meeting blue for a moment as he eyed a Weasley. "It must have been quite a feat even as worn down as he'd always been." He laughed, coming back to the table to stand beside the terrifying, snake-like and nose-less vision of the Dark Lord Voldemort that had been brought across dimensions with him. "I'd bet he took a rather large chunk out of whoever did it."

"Just send them back to whatever hellscape they came from!" growled out the fire scarred face.

"Ah, Longbottom. I thought that was possibly you," this Dark Lord doppelganger hissed. "So my other self placed a burning sorting hat upon your head, too did he."

"They're clearly not going to help. This was a waste of time and energy that could have been put to better use."

"Yes, like strengthening the wards on the castle. Or perhaps making sure someone in this circle wasn't compromised. He's on his way here now, you know. I felt him the moment we arrived," this Harry look-alike said, seating himself back down at the table. "Stupid children," he said as his companion shifted his appearance back to rejoin him. "If any of you live through the night, the last three of your Potter's original seven Horcruxes are the sorting hat, Hedwig which was watching you and your little group from the window and left just after our arrival, and Severus Snape."

"Why Snape?" asked the bushy haired Runes Mistress.

"Personal amusement," he said simply, picking up his fork. "Even if you live you'll never find the remaining seven."

"Why fourteen exactly? What did you mean by the others being a declaration?"

Red eyes met green for just a moment as the doors of what was once the great hall burst open. Spell light flew through the air as the two diners sat amid the chaos, protected by the wards of the heptagram since they'd never left its confines and broken the enchantments. "You should help them, _my lord_."

The Master of Death rolled his eyes. "And spoil our anniversary again, _my dear_? I think not." He speared another piece of cheesecake. "Have you finished working out the counter ritual yet?" he asked as a bright green curse filtered through the wards and struck him in the shoulder, annoying him and causing him to hiss.

Death rolled his red eyes and waved off in the direction the Killing Curse had come from, it's caster dropping dead where he stood without a second glance. "Oh I had it scented out ages ago, _my lord_ ," he replied. "I just didn't want to spoil your fun."

"I think it was Neville that did Remus in. What do you think?"

"Longbottom? Killing a werewolf? Even one as weak as Lupin?"

"He did take on Nagini and survive." The wards around them began to shimmer as a duel took place. "Do you mind?! We're trying to have a romantic dinner over here! Don't make me sniff out every one of your bloody Horcruxes and obliterate you where you stand you crazy git!" Death's Master shouted angrily, but his words had little effect on the old man and the crazed Dark Lord Potter as they duked it out nearby. Green eyes rolled. "That right there is why I changed my mind in sixth year and didn't try to figure out how those damn things are made."

"So that's where this world split away from our own. Fascinating. To split the soul seven times is quite a feat, even if one of them was accidental. But fourteen? Why ever would you have made the additional seven?"

"A declaration you said."

"A declaration of what?"

It was the Master of Death's turn to smile and start doing lewd things to his fork. "Wouldn't you like to know, _my dear_ ," he said as the red eyed devil began a low chant of the counter ritual to send them back home.

By the time the Dark Lord turned his angry orange-green eyes to the heptagram, the gasping and bleeding body of Albus Dumbledore laying at his feet, another world's Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort had just finished fading from view. Hedwig hooted from her perch on the cold, dead arm of Rune Mistress Granger as two masked men dragged a man forward through the wreckage.

"We've got Longbottom, my lord," one said, throwing the bloodied man to the ground over the now still warm corpse of Dumbledore.

Dark Lord Potter bent down to grasp him at the throat to force his former friend to look him in the eye, orange-green eyes blazing with power. "Oh my boy Teddy wants a word with you about his father, Beastslayer," he said. "It's the full moon tomorrow night, you know. And he's not very fond of taking his medicine."

**Author's Note:**

> Master of Death Harry was probably like "So.... Death just quit and you're stuck in purgatory anyway so.... I might as well give you a job unless you want to spend all of eternity in a bloody train station." And they've been snarky to one another ever since, and neither one can die at this point so.... yeah.  
> Imagine "my dear" and "my lord" being spoken in a very mocking and/or sarcastic tone each time because they're snarky bastards.


End file.
